Welcome to Issue 105 of Clearly YOU. Not a subscriber? Let's fix that: https://kimscaravelli.com/newsletter/
This week, I had to run the full range of my professional tone. And I do mean full range.
I started warm and friendly, because that's my default setting and honestly, it's usually the right one.
Then I got an email that was, let's say, considerably less warm and friendly. So I shifted into what I think of as Cool Mode: shorter sentences, less warmth, and a focus on facts over feelings.
When that wasn't enough, I had to bring out the big guns and move into my Back-Up-Now tone.
It's quieter than it sounds.
No ALL CAPS rants. No clumps of exclamation points. Just a very deliberate tightening of my words that draws a clear line in the sand.
Here's the thing: When communicating as professionals, we spend a lot of energy on being positive and fostering trust and connection, and that's valuable. But knowing how to downshift, with precision and without drama, is just as important.
Because warm and friendly isn't always the tone you need.
Cool Quote
“I don't often lose my temper, but I often have to use it."
Dolly Parton
Warm. Cool. Done
Most of us were taught that being warm and friendly is the professional ideal. And it is... most of the time.
The problem is that many of us were never taught what to do when it isn't reciprocated. So we keep smiling and keep softening until we hit a wall and either give up or blow up. There's a better option.
Think of your tone as having three settings:
✅ Warm and Friendly Mode is your default. Conversational, generous, sprinkled with personality.
- Use people's names
- Remember your manners (please/thank you)
- Add a dollop of small talk if it feels natural, like you're communicating with a friend
"Hi Michael. Hope you had a nice weekend. The interim payment on our project is a bit past due. Can you check on that today? Thanks!"
✅ Cool Mode is your first shift, when warm and friendly isn't working. No rudeness, just dial down the warmth enough for them to feel the chill.
- Shorten the sentences a bit. Think crisp, clean, and to the point.
- Focus on facts over feelings
- Ditch the small talk and anything that amplifies feelings, like exclamation points and emojis
"Hi Michael. The interim payment is two weeks overdue. Please arrange payment by Friday."
✅ Back-Up-Now Mode is reserved for when your boundaries aren't being respected and you aren't being heard. You may be angry or hurt, and that's fair. But this mode isn't about venting. It's about getting results.
- Zero jargon. Zero niceties. Just clear, succinct words
- Skip explanations and analogies. You're no longer explaining, justifying, or apologizing
- Identify the consequences
"The interim payment was not provided. Payment was due three weeks ago. The remaining work will be put on hold until payment is received."
👉 Notice what changed: not the message, but the temperature. Each step is firm, but nothing is said in anger, nothing is exaggerated, and nothing burns a bridge.
When you shift your tone deliberately, rather than letting your emotions do it for you, you stay in control of the outcome.
If that payment arrives on Friday, you move right back to Warm and Friendly. The relationship will probably survive, and your boundaries are now firmly in place.
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For the Word Nerds
I love the word equanimity (ee-kwuh-NIM-ih-tee). Hard to pronounce but worth the effort.
It means mental calmness and composure, especially under pressure. Not faking it. Not suppressing it. Actually being in control of how you respond rather than being controlled by what you feel.
Equanimity comes from Latin: aequus meaning "even or level," and animus meaning "mind or spirit." Put them together and you get "even mind", which is exactly what Back-Up-Now Mode requires.
The point isn't to feel nothing. It's to feel everything and still choose your words carefully. That's the whole game.
Can't get enough? Here are two bonus words that merit a bit of love:
Aplomb (uh-PLOM) is all about confidence and composure under pressure. From the French à plomb, meaning "according to the plumb line." Perfectly, calmly vertical. Even when everything around you is crooked.
Sangfroid (SAHN-frwah) is coolness under pressure. Literally French for "cold blood." Not as alarming as it sounds. Actually quite elegant. The person in the room who never raises their voice and somehow wins every argument? Pure sangfroid.
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Want fast tips to help you communicate with more clarity? My book, Making Words Work, keeps is simple and doable.
Thanks for reading. If something resonated, I’d love to hear from you.
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